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Why I Am Supporting Momo in 2020

She's the terrifying bird-faced creature we need to drain the swamp.
April 15, 2019
Why I Am Supporting Momo in 2020
(Hannah Yoest / Shutterstock)

You may know Momo as the terrifying, bird-faced creature that convinces children on the internet to commit suicide. But open your mind a little and you’ll see something much more important: a potential SWAMP-DRAINER-IN CHIEF!

Sure, the “Momo challenge” turned out to be a hoax—there were actually no reports of any children harming themselves because they saw the demonic, large breasted chicken-human hybrid on their computer screens.

But think of all the free media Momo generated! Surely she must be a genius, playing 14-dimensional chess! She played the press like fools, driving them all to report FAKE NEWS for weeks on end!

Imagine how angry CNN would be if Momo took office—the dumbfounded look on Brian Stelter’s face would be PRICELESS. It’s time we own those clowns at MSNBC—let’s make the rivers run with Maddow’s tears!

Momo even got KIM KARDASHIAN to tweet about her—only a truly all-knowing leader could ever pull off such a partnership!

In Momo, I figure I must have a candidate, because everybody who’s coming out against her are all corrupt, and she’s an OUTSIDER. She has spent her life pursuing and eating young children, NOT as part of the swamp. With her crazed homicidal ways, Momo is going to be so disruptive, so outside the norm, that the swamp will drain because the swamp can’t stand her and how she is running things.

Nobody controls Momo—she’s beholden only to herself and even though I don’t know any of her positions on anything, she has to be better than the corrupt system we have now! Those dunces Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell never did anything—they couldn’t even trick Barack Obummer into repealing Obamacare, his signature accomplishment that bears his name!

I admit, I’m a former Obama voter who believed he was a fresh face who was going to change things. But me and the boys down at the tiny Michigan-based plastic dinosaur factory haven’t seen a wage increase in YEARS. Who knew other countries could make miniature pterodactyls? Just through fear and intimidation Momo can bring those American jobs back.

Obviously the system is RIGGED and needs to be shaken up!

You may say to yourself, “aren’t you a God-fearing Christian? Why would you support grotesque Satanic poultry?”

Sure, she feasts on adolescents, but who among us doesn’t have flaws? If you are focused so much on the next life, you are not worried about what is happening in this life, and that’s sad.

Towards the middle of the second Obama term I was like, “Oh my God, the end of this can’t come soon enough.” He keeps doing damage. He keeps doing irreparable damage to our country, financially.

America was just out of control and everybody started expecting everything can be free. Free cell phones, free college, free health care, it was just like people were just excited about anything they got free. The entitlement was crazy.

Momo is not a politician. She is not part of the system, a system that has been failing a lot of people. She is her own person (except for the bird part), with her own style. And honestly, for the first time in the 50 years I’ve been able to vote, I’m excited to vote.

Finally, I definitely think there should be more coverage of Obama/Momo voters. More people should write books explaining how deeply savvy we are about politics and how our attempt to graft our hopes and dreams on to a horrifying candidate aren’t entirely self-serving. So far, I’ve only been interviewed for 14 books explaining the Midwest swing voter!

You can throw all the facts you want at me, but the bottom line is, Momo is detested by the same lamestream media that made her a star. Nothing can shake my support in her.

As long as she doesn’t hire Stephen Miller. That dude is creepy.

Christian Schneider

Christian Schneider is a member of the USA Today board of contributors and author of 1916: The Blog. Twitter: @Schneider_CM.