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A ‘Not My Party’ Airing of Grievances

Jussie Smollett, Harry Potter, and the true meaning of Festivus.
December 23, 2021
Tim Miller's Festivus Grievances

[Editor’s note: Watch Not My Party every week on Snapchat.]

Mike Huckabee: America had gone through a long period where the people quit saying “Merry Christmas.” You deliberately changed that.

Donald J. Trump: And I’ll tell you, we brought it back very quickly.

Huckabee: You really did.

Mr. Garrison: ♪ Merry **** Christmas to youuuuu. ♪

Tim Miller: This is “Not My Party” brought to you by The Bulwark.

It sure feels great to be able to say “Merry Christmas” and roast chestnuts on an open fire as a free man in Joe Biden’s America.

President Joe Biden: Merry Christmas, America.

Klaus Heisler, the goldfish from American Dad: Let’s celebrate!

Miller: So this week as a little holiday treat, I wanted to have a Festivus celebration with y’all.

Frank Costanza: I haven’t celebrated Festivus in years.

Miller: What’s that mean? Well, on Christmas Eve Eve, it’s tradition to show off feats of strength—not my strong suit—and air out your grievances. This I got.

Ben Stiller’s version of Starsky: Do it.

Miller: So grievances it is. Let’s do it.

Shia LaBeouf: Do it!

Miller: Grievance number one: all your grievances. Why’s everybody gotta be so goddamn aggrieved about everything all the time?

Lauren Miller Rogen as Christine from Master of None: Don’t you think that’s hypocritical?

Jack Nicholson as President James Dale in Mars Attacks: Shut up! Shut up, shut up!

Miller: This should be a Festivus thing.

Junior Soprano: Yeah, well, it’s not that simple.

Miller: The wokes hate Harry Potter so much that Major League Quidditch is changing its name to distance itself from the oh-so-offensive source material.

Pete Davidson on SNL’s “Weekend Update”: Don’t get tattoos. I got a Harry Potter tattoo ’cause I’m not psychic.

Miller: The MAGAs don’t want their kids reading the sexy scenes in Toni Morrison’s 1987 Pulitzer Prize winner, Beloved.

Laura Murphy: My son showed me his reading assignment. My heart sunk.

Miller: For God’s sakes, there’s even a backlash to sweet Ted Lasso.

Stop-motion Ted Lasso missing his mustache: It’s gonna ruin Christmas!

Miller: Look, if you want to boycott this stuff, knock your socks off.

LaBeouf: Do it!

Miller: But can you please just let us have our little holiday joys?

Family Guy version of Frosty the Snowman: Take it off, take it off!

Miller: Grievance number two, Omicron and the anti-vax hucksters. So I was planning a trip to New York to see my favorite band, take my little girl to high tea, and see the big tree.

Ainsley Earhardt: Who sets a Christmas tree on fire?

Miller: But then Omicron spread through the city like wildfire and I didn’t want to risk giving COVID to Mamaw on Christmas.

LaBeouf: Do it!

Old lady cartoon: Stop it!

Miller: So Mr. Omicron, screw you for ruining my fun. And as for the anti-vax charlatans, you all are causing unnecessary death, filling up the hospitals, and extending this damn pandemic. You’re the worst!

Corky St. Clair: You’re bastard people.

Miller: Grievance number three, Juicy Sommelier.

Dave Chappelle: Juicy Sommelier. He’s a very famous French actor.

Miller: Oh Jussie, I mean you really did coke and jerked off with a dude in a bathhouse and then paid that same dude and his brother to pretend to attack you—

Randy Macho Man Savage animated for South Park: Beat me up.

The Rock: Sure thing.

Miller: —while you were on the way to a Subway sandwich shop so you could blame the attack on the MAGAs and get some sympathy gigs out of it?

Woman: Allegedly.

Miller: Woof, bruv. And then, even though you knew the story was you bull****, you just rolled with it and smiled along as every politician—except Mayor Pete—tweeted about how brave you are? That, my friend, is some dumb, brazen ****.

Gloria Rodriguez: It’s not your right to lie to the jury.

Miller: It made life much harder for future legit victims of hate crimes. And speaking as a fellow gay anti-MAGA, I gotta say, bruh, you’re really making our squad look bad.

Phi Phi O’Hara: Go back to Party City where you belong!

Miller: Grievance number four, beady-eyed Canadians.

Sheila Broflovski: With your beady little eyes and flapping heads.

Canadian ambassador from South Park: Hey, *** you, buddy!

Miller: No, just kidding. I love Canadians. This is literally my office. <Heart sign> Justin.

Okay no, the real grievance number four, Senate Republicans who know better. I’m looking at you Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham, Liddle Marco Rubio.

All of you knew that Donald Trump was the reason for this ****, and if a few more of you had the cojones to convict him for it, we wouldn’t have to listen to his lying, racist bull**** ever again. He would have been done. Banned from running for office. Wouldn’t that have been glorious?

Dwight Schrute: Yes, I would welcome it.

Miller: Instead that anti-democratic doofus still runs your party and might run the country again someday. With that, enjoy your holiday with the traditional Festivus pole or however else you choose to celebrate, and we’ll see you next week for a New Year’s Eve edition of “Not My Party.”

Tim Miller

Tim Miller is The Bulwark’s writer-at-large and the author of the best-selling book Why We Did It: A Travelogue from the Republican Road to Hell. He was previously political director for Republican Voters Against Trump and communications director for Jeb Bush 2016.